Thoughts on a cross-cultural relationship

If any of you are interested in learning a little bit about the complexities of Sovann's and my cross-cultural relationship relationship - which has been in existence for over 2 years now! - here are some thoughts and reminiscence...

Some background info: During the first couple weeks of Sovann and I dating, we got along really well but there was some drama surrounding whether we were “allowed” to go out together because, well, I had basically been taken in by a Cambodian family at the time. And I love Ponheary, basically my substitute mother at the time, but she one time said to me, “Good Khmer girls come home at 6pm. But because you’re a foreigner, we’ll let you stay out until 8.” Ha, you should’ve seen the look on my face. And Sovann was scared to death of her, as she was his boss. But anyway, at that time I thought that perhaps the only difficulties we’d encounter would come from outside sources - other people creating barriers between us. “Well,” I thought to myself, “despite all our cultural differences, it’s a good sign if problems are being caused by external forces rather than actual differences between us as people. That’s sweet.” Boy, how naive I was; I couldn’t have been more wrong. That external issue quickly evaporated and more and more internal problems arose. Overall - since then and until today - being with Sovann has been a roller coaster of emotions, to use a cliche. But I’ve learned so much about myself in the process, and of course it’s all been more than worth it to gain such a loving relationship.

The first real aspect I want to explore is communication. Some people have asked me - and I have a feeling that even more have wondered, how can you communicate well with each other? That is, well enough to stay in a healthy relationship. I think this is a totally legit question, because I believe - as many of us do - that communication is no doubt one of the most important aspects in a relationship. Not only to get to know, understand, and love each other, but also to keep the relationship sustainable by avoiding and solving conflicts. There have certainly been numerous times when misunderstandings have caused some minor issues between Sovann and I - like the time he seemed annoyed by something so I asked him, “Are you mad?” to which he replied “No, why?” and I said “You seem mad” and he angrily hung up the phone on me. Turned out he wasn’t mad to begin with but he had only known the word “mad” to mean “crazy” so he thought I was calling him crazy and then got pissed off.

But then... there are some interesting things that language barriers can do to a relationship, and sometimes in a good way. Sure, I can’t talk as freely to him as I do to my English-speaking friends, speaking quickly or using obscure idioms... and sometimes tones and sarcasm don’t translate well. But in other ways, I feel like it makes our communication more... raw. We’re forced to say exactly what we mean because we can’t expect the other to interpret it any other way - there’s no room passive aggressiveness because it probably won’t be detected. And also, I’ve learned that words can have so much more power when they’re self-created for lack of standard vocabulary. In the past, during some of our rougher times and during heated fights, Sovann has come up with his own insults for me, calling me a “shit girl” and a “nothing girl”. That hurt me so much more than if he had called me a bitch or a cunt or any other curse word. Because he didn’t just go blindly reaching for any insult in the book; he took the mental energy to create them, and therefore he really meant them. (I don’t mean to make him out as an emotionally abusive guy - God knows we’ve all purposefully said and done hurtful things to loved ones.) And it should be known that words can be just as powerful in a positive way. I remember cuddling in bed with Sovann one day and we were being all cheesy talking about how much we loved each other. But instead of him telling me something like “You are the light of my life” or “I would walk a thousand miles for you” or whatever... instead he said, “Jasmine, I just want to swallow you and keep you in my stomach forever.” And that was so... sincere, and somehow just the sweetest thing anyone’s ever said to me. Again, because it wasn’t anything even close to a cliche, it had real meaning.

The other aspect I want to approach is the actual cultural clash - mainly the differences in customs and belief systems. One of the most memorable moments of our relationship was when we had first started dating and I went out late one night with some of my friends. Sovann got angry at me for this and I couldn’t imagine why. I told him, “You go out late with your friends all the time!” And his response to me was, “Are you a man or are you a girl?” Again, you should’ve seen the look on my face! Looking back on it, I wonder why the hell I even wanted to continue a relationship with someone with such a sexist attitude. And I honestly still don’t know the answer to that question, but luckily his attitudes have changed a lot since then.

There have been a million and one disagreements and arguments since we’ve been together that revolve around cultural differences... like me wearing clothes that he considers “too sexy,” or him having multiple friends who cheat on their wives with prostitutes, or him not being able to give me a kiss in the morning because he’s superstitious that it’ll give him bad luck for that day. But each and every time, we’ve managed to compromise. We don’t just dismiss each other’s ideas as silly or backwards or wrong - we try our best to understand where they come from and figure out a compromise that allows to stay together without creating too much resentment or suppression of happiness. Call it luck, call it love, call it crazy, but we’ve always managed to work it out. We’ve gotten to the point where we’ve written out deals on paper so we can remember them. We’ve come up with weird compromises like “I won’t try to get tan anymore if you don’t wear that ugly shirt anymore.” Or “I won’t hug my male Khmer friends anymore if you stop talking to that girl who’s in love with you and keeps calling you, who you’ve never actually met before because originally she just called you as a wrong number.” You can judge, but it works for us.

Lastly, the best part of being in a cross-cultural relationship is all the fascinating, silly, and unique moments you get to experience. Probably my favorite was after about two and a half months of Sovann and I dating when I went with him to visit his family in Battambang. The first conversation I ever had with his father went like this (through a translator): “What do your parents do?” “My mom’s a nurse and my dad works with little kids.” “Oh. Will your and Sovann’s wedding be in Cambodia or the US?” Haha, so Khmer. It’s also pretty interesting when I go there and see his mother, a traditional healer, do her work and help people who are intermittently possessed with spirits of other people - old men, children, you name it. And let me just ask: how many of you have had the pleasure of playing the drinking game “spin the duck head”? How many of your significant others have come across on a frog on the driveway, thrown it against a concrete fence, and fried it up for dinner? Fun stuff.

So... after reflecting on these thoughts, I’ve realized something myself: cross-cultural relationships aren’t so different from other relationships, really, they’re just taken to a different degree - to an extreme. In every relationship, communication is key, compromise is necessary, and there are memorable moments to be had. Cross-cultural relationships can just be a bit more challenging at times... but also so, so rewarding.