Read about my feelings or fuck you.

Just kidding, about the title... it was something I said while debating about whether I should start a blog or not. I have doubts that anyone will really be interested in reading about my thoughts and whatnot (except maybe my mom, but I'm not sure she counts) but I guess it doesn't hurt to write things down. My friends and family tell me I'm an open book... sometimes too much of one, kind of an aggressive book, like "Read me! Read about my feelings or fuck you!" So, yep. Enjoy! :P

Okay, I’ve put so much time, effort, and money into this visa process, that I should not only feel thankful that we’re less than a month away from going to the US, but I should also feel damn excited! Instead, I’ve been kind of freaking out (stressing) lately about the fact that we’re leaving, which is understandable (especially with the pressure of making a commitment of living in the US for three years straight if we want to shoot for citizenship for Sovann), but I think I’ve also been kind of self-pitying, which is inexcusable. And frankly, it doesn’t look (or feel) good on me. I mean, yeah, the weather will be a shock, everything will be expensive, and adjustments in general won’t necessarily be easy. But hey, we knew from the beginning what we’d be getting ourselves into and still decided to go for it full-steam-ahead. Matter of fact, the adventure, the challenges, and the changes were the main motivations to go. When I look back at my mindset two and a half years ago, what drew me to Cambodia – in part – was the desire for change, for something novel, different, and even a little exotic. High school was going fine, but it just got a little ‘same old, same old’ and I felt the urge to mix it up. And now I’m basically at that same stage again. Living in Cambodia has been so rewarding for me, but now, after 2+ years, I feel like it's given me all it has to offer at the moment. It's time to go somewhere that will allow me to grow again. So why do I feel so much less certain this time? Maybe I’ve just had too much time waiting so I’ve resorted to overthinking. But I have to remember that when we signed up for this, we were looking for an adventure, and no matter what happens, that it shall be! So now, it’s time to focus on the good so I can thoroughly enjoy the anticipation period. Here are some things – both significant and petty, difficult and easy – that I’m psyched for (in no particular order):

-Showing Sovann things! Everything from snow to Costco, from taking him bowling to teaching him how to use a laundry machine. (edit: Oops, my mom pointed out to me that it's called a "washing machine"... apparently it's been too long.) This is a once-in-a-lifetime experience for Sovann and I’m so gonna appreciate seeing my country through his eyes for the first time.

-Seeing family and friends! This is an obvious one, but lately I really have been getting envious when I hear about family get-togethers and whatnot. 

-Sovann meeting everyone! Obviously Sovann knows and is close with my parents already, but it’ll be great for him to get to know the rest of my family (and friends); I’m confident they’ll get along really well and it’ll be comforting for him to have what he’ll no doubt consider family surrounding him. He already calls them “my grandfather,” “my aunt,” etc. when talking about them.

-Flipping through channels and actually being able to find something decent on. Choices, choices! (Some people would disagree with me on this one being true in the US, but if you saw what channels I would settle for over here then you’d understand.)

-Doing our own laundry in a machine! And not having to hang it up to dry.

-Work! Crazy, I know, but I'm really excited to actually be able to work several hours straight, rather than having a weird broken up work day with lots of bicycle riding place to place. Also, my tentative/ideal plan is to become a personal care assistant (or caregiver or whatever you wanna call it)... I think it would be interesting to do something like that, and helpful if I do end up majoring in social work. So, hopefully I’ll be able to find that kind of job when I get there. I’m also just really excited to be done teaching – it’s funny, I’ve thought I wanted to be a teacher since I was little, but I’ve realized here that that’s not the case. Yay for no more teaching! Also, Sovann working in a restaurant will be so cool.

-Video games! My parents got me a Super Nintendo for Christmas, hehe, and I’m hoping to get Dance Dance Revolution ASAP (exercise!)

-Food! Comfort food at my fingertips 24/7 :) And exploring the Asian markets with Sovann, and him experimenting with cooking different meals.

-Living with my Aunt! My Aunt Sara has graciously offered us a room to rent in her house for a super-reasonable rate. Her house is beautiful, in a convenient location, and it has pool table which Sovann will love. And mostly, it has her! We’re both really looking forward to her company. She’s really put our minds at ease by allowing us to not have to worry about finding an apartment right away and having a great, familiar living space waiting for us.

-UVM classes. This won’t be until the Fall, and I’m actually kind of nervous, but it’ll be good too. I’ll have completed two years (debt-free!) at CCV, but I’m ready for a more typical (and challenging) college experience.

-Libraries! You mean I can read books for free? Awesome :)

-Not feeling like an outsider. I’ve called Siem Reap “home” for awhile now, so it gets kind of frustrating to be spoken to like I’m a tourist by anyone who doesn’t know me. Of course I can’t blame the people who talk to me, and usually I’ll say something in Khmer to clue them in, but now I’ve gotten sick of the recurring “Wow, you speak Khmer! How long have you been here!?” conversation again and again. I’m just excited to go in a grocery store and have a bland “How are you? I’m good,” exchange with the cashier. And no ‘Hello lady’s from random tuk-tuk drivers on the road! Oh god, thank god there will be no more ‘Hello lady’s.

-So many things I don’t even know about yet! I have a feeling when we get there we’ll remember/realize lots of things that are exciting/interesting/different.

Sovann’s top things-to-be-excited-for list: Snow, meeting family, going fishing with my grandfather (he will not shut up about this! and when I told him he had to wait until the summer he was crushed. haha), earning money (don’t worry, he knows he’ll have to spend most of it on ridiculously expensive things, but still, earning anything more than $0-15 a day is a novel concept for him!), playing pool. 

It’s funny, I’ve talked to so many people about Sovann moving to the States and have gotten such different ideas from different individuals. Some people have told me straight out that they don’t think Sovann will like it, or that it’ll be really difficult for him to handle (and probably even more people think it but aren’t candid enough to say it out loud). And then others say that it’s much easier for Cambodians to adjust to the US than it is for Americans to adjust to Cambodia. (Still not sure if I agree with that... not that I have the experience to know, and this guy certainly did. His reasoning was that Cambodians have already gone through so much change – from not having electricity or running water when they were young to... well, look at Siem Reap today, Pub Street is practically Vegas... so they’re used to big changes. But I would also argue that when most Westerners come to Cambodia they live in a pretty Westernized bubble so that “adjustment” should be easy too.) I’ve also heard the opinion that it’s condescending or even prejudiced for people to think Sovann won’t be able to handle it while they had no trouble believing that I would be fine coming here. Although to be fair, a couple of my friends also had their doubts about me (“Won’t you be lonely?”) so maybe it’s not a prejudiced thing, who knows. Anyway, I'm pretty confident in Sovann's ability to embrace the situation, difficult or not. Mostly because he has some really insightful thoughts about us moving there. Whenever I (or others) bring up the things to be nervous about or how he’ll miss home, he says something to the effect of, “Of course I’ll miss my family, but life is always changing. We can’t stay at one place all the time. I know it will be difficult at first, we can’t be happy anywhere all the time, but I hope step by step it will get a little bit easier and happier.”

:)